Kerries Peeves

Hate ‘em.  Always break ‘em.  Refuse to make ‘em.

How about you?

Wanna quit smoking? (I can’t seem to start no matter how much I want to)

Wanna lose 20 pounds? (Yes, please)

Wanna stop drinking? (Some days I wish I enjoyed wine)

Wanna stop cussing? (Why the hell would you want to do THAT?)

Want a cleaner house?  (Hire a maid or teach your precious kids to do a chore every once in a while)

I’m so tired of people who tell new parents that they HAVE to leave their kid with a sitter once a week and do a date night with their spouse or their marriage will suffer.

My husband and I have been parents for almost 8 years and maybe go out alone twice a year (for a birthday or anniversary usually).  We aren’t headed for Divorce Court.  In fact, our marriage is stronger than ever.  We chose to be close to our kids, and that means they are attached to us (well, mostly to me).  We couldn’t relax knowing they were crying with a sitter.

Leave me alone and worry about your own marriage.

So last summer I’m at the swimming pool.  You know how they leave a hose on the ground, and water comes out of holes that have been poked in the hose?  On our way to the snack bar, my 3-year-old daughter bends down and puts her mouth directly above one of the tiny sprouting water fountains.

A lifeguard FLIPS HER FEAKING LID.  I swear I could do an entire blog on women freaking out over small things.  I told the lifeguard to CALM DOWN, that the water all comes from the same place, and that I don’t mind.  I think she went to call The State on me or something.

Is the new party line that drinking bathroom water gives us cancer?  Have I completely missed that one?

Yeah, and swimming in a nasty chemical called CHLORINE is so much better for us.

Someone please enlighten me on this one because I don’t have time to call the Health Department today and do research.

When the kids and I would babysit at churches and get drinks for snacktime, I would fill a pitcher with water from the bathroom.  I did this because it was close.  I did this because there were times that I had no help and would’ve had to have left a bunch of kids ALONE to run down the hall to the drinking fountain for water.

When other church babysitters would see me doing this, they would FLIP THEIR FREAKING LIDS.

And I ask you:  doesn’t the water in a building all come from the same damn pipes?

Oh my hell.  Who thunk up the idea to have digital TV?  My regular TV was just fine.  You’re watching Extreme Makeover, for the good Lord’s sake – why does it have to have a crisp picture?

I’m telling you this is a money-making ploy like almost everything else that happens in this world.

Take the converter box.  I don’t WANT a new TV.  I don’t WANT cable TV.  I want to be a hillbilly who only has 8 channels.  Leave me alone!

No.  I have to buy a converter box (see my other blog … the link is over somewhere to the right of my Kerrie’s Peeves page … about the experience of BUYING this thing).

Back up.  First I have to secure a COUPON for it.  Then buy it.  Then hook it up.  Then deal with ANOTHER remote control.  Then try to figure out how to tape a channel on my dinosaur VCR when I’m away from home when there are FIVE Channel 16s.  It’s not possible.

But we get Qubo (like Cartoon Network, only cleaner) out of it, so I’m also thankful.

Why do people park their grocery cart in the middle of the aisle?  They should just wear a sign that says:

“I am the only person in the world and in this store at this moment.  The world revolves around me.  You may wait for me to move or go around me or move my cart out of the way.  But if you say ‘excuse me’ to me, I will give you the stink-eye.”

I wonder if they drive their vehicle like they drive their grocery cart, and it scares me.

And – God help me – the more kids I have and the more brain cells of mine they eat up while they are gestating, the more I turn into one of these people.

I hope you are enjoying today whether you are Christian or Jewish, atheist or agnostic.

Yes, folks, I even have a peeve for Christmas, though.

It’s people who get bent out of shape over the phrase Happy Holidays.

Look, if someone wants to tell me Happy Holidays, that’s great.  I’ll take it any day over, “Hey, you ho!”

Which brings me to “ho ho ho.”  When I hear Santa say this, I don’t assume he’s talking to me, my daughter and my mother.  And if THAT is what you assume, maybe you need to put on a longer skirt or get the word JUICY off the butt part of your pants.

I’m trying to pick a harmless peeve today since it’s Christmas Eve and I don’t want to damper anyone’s mood.

So my peeve today is people who take about 23 words to order a coffee, like this:

I’ll have a tall non-fat, half-caf bold with 2 Splendas extra whipped cream 3 pumps of sugar-free vanilla syrup done at 160 degrees.

And then they get pissed if the poor order-taker doesn’t get it the first time.

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus!

Here’s how I order:  “Venti mocha.”  And they make it just like that.  I went to a place once that wanted me to make too many decisions (what kind of milk?  whipped cream or not?).  I didn’t go back.

I hate how Dreft guilts new mothers into thinking they are messing up their kid if they don’t wash the baby clothes only in Dreft.

I bought into this with my first kid and paid the $900 for a bottle of Dreft.  Okay, so it’s not THAT much, but it’s about twice the cost of a normal detergent.  Why do you think that is?  Because it’s BETTER?

NO!  Because they know moms will feel bad if they don’t wash Schmoopy’s teeny tiny clothes in it.  What if their kid gets a rash from regular detergent?  I mean, didn’t God made newborn babes and their skin fragile?

Hell, no.  How many people do you know who were dropped on their heads and they’re just fine?  I would venture to say 98 out of 100 babies don’t need Dreft.

Let me start by saying I love my other Space Bags.  They keep me organized and keep my stuff all smooshed down.  I got 3 tubs of outgrown clothes from my kids to fit into ONE Cube Space Bag.

But I HATE the Hanging Space Bag.  It does not work.  You can’t fit much into it.  The seal breaks, so the stuff doesn’t stay smooshed.  The hanger part detaches from the rest of the damn thing, so your stuff drops to the bottom of your closet.

For Christmas I am buying Hanging Space Bags for everyone who has ever wronged me.  Scratch that.  I’ll just wrap up the two I already bought and give THOSE away.  I don’t want the Space Bag company thinking I like the Hanging ones.